The Unspoken Truth: Why Parents Are Seeking Help for Their Adult Children’s Dating Lives

There is something parents rarely say out loud, but it is worth talking about. 

As a matchmaker, I often hear from parents who quietly raise their hands to say, for the first time, that their adult child may need help with dating.

Their child is often categorically wonderful. They may be kind, big hearted and have a good sense of self. They might be established in a career field and have achieved some level of prestige or accolades in their industry. They may even have strong friendships or family connections. What has been missing is success in romance. For whatever reason, their romantic development has not unfolded on the same timeline as their peers. 

There are plenty of reasons that this could have happened, and none of it points to failure on the part of a parent. Some children prioritized academics and career and had no room for relationships. Other children are neurodivergent or learn differently, and may have trouble navigating what feel like unspoken social rules and dating norms. 

What I hear from parents and children alike is this: there is a sense that there is a set of foundational dating skills that others seem to have absorbed effortlessly, and that they somehow missed.

My academic background is in human sexuality, so there is one more thing I want to name plainly. When someone feels “too behind”, sex is usually the biggest thing that feels like uncharted territory. It can feel almost impossible to catch up on. 

I want to make it clear: there is no such thing as “too behind”. I, of course, would never downplay the emotional validity of that feeling, but rather wish to share my own experience working with clients who feel that way. The great thing about an adult child who is “behind” is that it is entirely possible and achievable to gain the skills they need. There is no magic formula, of course, but a concentrated effort to shore up an unknown skill set makes that entirely attainable. With a client, I might navigate how to communicate interest, read signals, set boundaries, understand attraction, and develop appropriate emotional pacing. These are skills that can be taught!

In many heritages, including my own Jewish culture and also Indian culture, there have historically been structured ways for families to play an active role in helping a child find a partner. While most people today are not following traditional arranged models, it does not mean parents must be completely absent from the dating journey. Crucially, though, this does not mean parents have to be entirely removed from the dating process. Of course, your child should have the autonomy to choose a partner who is right for them. At the same time, there is a middle path. Parents can offer meaningful support by connecting their child with thoughtful, professional guidance that respects their independence while meeting them where they are.

While previous generations may have reserved funds for a dowry, modern parents set aside a modest amount to connect their adult children with a professional who can help them navigate dating and learn key skills. There is nothing infantilizing about a parent being the one to start the relationship with a matchmaker. It is normal, appropriate, and most importantly effective for a parent to be the one who begins this process. 

Sometimes this part is hard to hear. As a parent, your role is to start the process and then entirely step back, leaving your child in the competent hands of a professional. I acknowledge that that requires a level of trust and vulnerability. A parent who introduces me to their child is giving me a gift: their trust in allowing me to be that person in their child’s life.

Intimacy, in particular, is something that requires a large degree of safety and support to explore. A parent is unlikely to be the appropriate person to help their child navigate this complicated side of dating. Working with a matchmaker can represent the first environment where a child has the structure and guidance to break through their hang ups about sex and sexuality.

I want to make it clear: this is not about fixing a problem. Your child doesn’t have a problem, and they do not need to be fixed. This is about giving your child a steward who can lead them on a path that is equal parts compassionate and structured. A matchmaker helps them build the skills which open the possibility of a meaningful relationship. I work one-on-one, hand-in-hand with my clients. I have to understand their strengths, sensitivities, inexperience, hopes and more. Only then can I give them dedicated support and tangible, actionable skills.

At its core, this work is about partnership, not correction. It is about recognizing that some adults simply did not receive the same informal education in dating that others did, and that they can receive that support now, with a parent taking the first step to begin that process.